In light of the incidents on Detroit-bound flights over the past week, the government has issued new regulations regarding waste elimination while in flight. After a proposal of requiring passengers to stay in their seats for the last hour of their flight was met with widespread protests, the new regulations are issued with the idea that passengers should indeed be allowed to move about the cabin except in ascent and descent.

Beginning January 1, 2010, passengers on all flights in or out of the United States will be required to check in no later than five hours prior to scheduled departure to receive a "waste elimination evaluation." All passengers deemed to be likely to eliminate their bodily waste during the course of the flight will be given the opportunity to push that elimination time up. Any passengers not able to meet the new elimination standards will not be allowed on a flight until they do. For an additional fee, the passengers may rent devices to aid in elimination the same way they are able to rent headphones to enjoy in-flight entertainment. First class customers will have the option of having a catheter installed so they may enjoy urination in flight.

Concurrent to the implementation of this new procedure, all airlines flying in and out of the United States will be required to board over or remove all of their restrooms, as they will no longer be necessary and can no longer serve as breeding grounds for those with less than honorable plans. Flight attendants will also no longer be serving beverages or food to passengers on any flight with a duration of greater than 30 minutes, to stave off the need for any further passenger elimination.

I've gone to so many graduations over the years and have heard the same speech over and over. I thought I'd take a shot at writing one that I would actually listen to and enjoy.

Graduates, it is an honor to be addressing you today. I hope that you find something worthwhile in what I have to say, or that at least that you’ll be kind enough not to bounce the beach ball around until I’m done.

Over my lifetime of attending graduations, I have listened to scores of graduation speeches. It is remarkable to me that one can attend graduations at so many different schools and hear the same graduation speech, the same platitudes and banality, with minor variations on the theme. I’ll go through them quickly now so those of you who came to hear them won’t leave disappointed:

·         you are all the future

·         your future starts now

·         watching you grow from slightly lost freshman

·         four years have flown by

·         don’t forget your school and all the friends you made here

·         high school has been the best part of your life

·         etc., etc., etc.

So…now that’s out of the way and we can get down to what I’d like to say to you.

Life is hard. Let me say that again. Life is hard. Now this may seem like a strange way to start a graduation speech, but it’s the big elephant in the middle of the room that most people don’t want to talk about.

Life will sometimes be complicated and messy. You will find yourself in situations where no alternative looks good. At times like those, step back and be still long enough to listen to the part of you that knows what to do, before you make your decision. If you cultivate that ability, you will find that you can avoid suffering.

Ask your parents how many of their high school friends they’re still in touch with. Odds are it’s a small number. And it’s not just because they’re old. They could have given you the same answer five years after graduation.

Thank your teachers, even if you didn’t like them. You learned something from each of them, and they helped inform your life. For the teachers you really liked, give them a great big hug. They worked their tails off for you.

Thank your parents, your family, your friends and your enemies. Each of them has helped shape you and they all did the best they could, even if their best was not what you really needed. Forgive those who need forgiving and ask for forgiveness from those you have harmed.

For those of you going away to college or working or traveling, you will have the freedom to make almost all of your own choices in all sorts of contexts. You’ll generally have easy access to alcohol, drugs, and sex (well, access to sex may not always be easy) and the temptation to try them all as quickly as possible. Many of you already have. Proceed with caution. There is a big difference between having a couple of beers and drinking until you’re wasted; a big difference between a hit on a joint and doing lines in the bathroom. Despite the impression that everything is new for each generation, the choices you’ll face are the same ones your parents did. And we made choices all along the spectrum. Some turned out great; others formed habits we still can’t shake. If your parents aren’t comfortable talking to you about their experiences, find another adult who will. You may find it enlightening.

If you have concerns that something might not be the best choice for you, listen to yourself. The fact that you are asking yourself the question means you already have your doubts

If you are going to college, take some classes that are completely different than those required, just for the fun of it. If you’re an English major, find an Intro to Physics class. If you’re pre-med, take a poetry class. Whatever strikes your fancy and piques your interest. While it may not be immediately apparent, classes like these will help round you as an individual and may stimulate a life-long interest in learning about things not on your career path.

Over the course of your life, you will meet people you deem superior to you and people you deem inferior. Comparisons will only keep you from seeing things as they really are.

Attend live performances and enjoy things in real time.

Be a voracious reader. You can laugh, cry, learn and truly feel, in the comfort of your own chair.

When you’re in a traffic jam, remember that you are a contributing member. All those other people did not take to the road just to slow you down.

Learn to play a musical instrument, even if it just shaking maracas.

The next time you watch a sporting event, don’t take sides and have no need for a specific outcome. You’ll find that you see an entirely different game, and you’ll be able to enjoy the efforts of everyone.

Be kind to everyone you meet. No matter how their circumstances compare to your own, we all have difficulties in our lives

Give to charity to help those more unfortunate as you. If you have fifty dollars to spare and donation requests from the symphony and an abused women’s shelter, choose the women’s shelter. Your dollars will go towards easing the suffering of others.

Be a blood donor, and do it six times a year. All it costs is your time, and you are directly contributing to the health of others. If you’re concerned about being cool, blood donors are the epitome of cool.

Find friends who will be honest with you and do the same for them. You don’t have to do what they suggest, but at least you’ll go with your eyes open.

Eat with your health in mind. An 18 year old body feels like it can handle all the junk you can put into it and those fries can taste awfully good when you have the munchies at two in the morning. Everything that goes into your mouth will affect you later on in life. Eat healthy things and you’ll carry that good health through your life. Eat poorly and it can eventually get you to the point where being healthy is a struggle and comes at a high cost.

Don’t smoke. If you are a smoker now, find the support you need to quit. Nothing good has ever come from cigarettes. Nothing. Google a list of ingredients in cigarettes which can cause disease. I did. It’s a long and scary list. And besides, the number of people who might kiss you plummets if you are a smoker.

Be a volunteer your whole life. It feels great and it contributes to a healthier world.

Exercise. Your body will love you for it.

Go outside a lot. It can be harder to have a greater understanding of the world if you’re not out there in it.

Men: use condoms. Women: insist that the men wear condoms.

Explore your spiritual side, in whatever form that takes. It can help you when life gets a little out of control. Don’t assume your form of spiritually is good for everyone. It’s not about what you believe in your heart, it’s about what they believe in theirs.

Dare to be a geek. It’s a lot more fun than it looks.

Don’t try to change anyone. It can’t be done. The only person you can change is yourself. Make that a lifelong process of exploration and action.

Don’t let yourself fall into the delusion that you don’t need others; that you can do it all yourself. Think of your last meal. Someone seeded the ground that someone cultivated. Someone watered the crops. Someone harvest them. Many people were in the chain that got the food onto your plate. The produce packer; the trucker who hauled the food to market; the store manager who placed the order; the person who put the food out in the store; the cashier who exchanged their goods for your money; everyone who constructed the roads that you and the truckers drive on; everyone who designed, built and distributed the car you used to drive home the food; the people who created or enforce safety laws to ensure your best chance of getting home without incident and eating food that won’t make you sick. It takes all of these people in a longs and interconnected chain just to have that food end up on your table. Those folks deserve your respect and your gratitude. Think about the life that you are seeking. How will you make your contribution to the chain?

There are some you out sitting here today who hated high school and for that I am truly saddened. Whether it was finding academics a struggle, being the least athletic in gym class or being invisible in the middle of a crowd, it would be a disservice to try to make it sound like everyone had a great time. My hope for you is that you don’t give up. My prayer for you is that you will find a place of acceptance and happiness on your own terms.

To those of you graduates who are gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgender: to those of you who were able to be out at school and find acceptance, my heart is filled with joy; for those of you who felt you could not come out, or experienced pain and suffering when you did, my heart is filled with sadness. To all of you who experienced discrimination based on your gender, race, body shape, accent, etc. I look forward to a day that no longer need be said.

And finally, I offer you the most important piece of advice anyone will ever give you:

Never look down on the people in the chess club. Chances are they’ll be the surgeons years later who hold your life in their hands. And they have long memories.

May your life unfold with ease and happiness.

I was reading an article the other day about Indy car racing, and it included a picture of a driver with logos covering every inch of his driving suit. Soon after that I was listening to a Pacifica Radio report on the health care debate and the stances taken by our representatives and how they tie into campaign contributions.

So, what do these two disparate things have in common: sponsorship dollars. Indy car drivers wear the names of their sponsors so everyone can see who they represent.

I propose that we do exactly the same thing with our elected officials. Imagine your senator, approaching the podium to pontificate upon their position on health care, with logos from each of their campaign contributors who have a stake in the outcome of the legislation. Opensecrets.com tracks over 120 industries' campaign contributions, funding of special interest groups and lobbyists.. Guess which comes in first - right you are: The health care industry. http://www.opensecrets.org/lobby/top.php?showYear=2009&indexType=i They spent nearly $300 million dollars over the past year to make sure that they have an active and persuassive voice in healthcare legislation.

So when your senator walks up to the podium, or sits in committee or gives a speech, they would now be wearing logos on their suits, with the names of all who have lobbied them. What a pleasant step towards real transparency to see the houses filled with senators and representative wearing names and logos from head to toe.We wouldn't have to stop there. We could extend it throughout the government. Think of the boost it will be for evangelical organizations to get their name out to a larger public.

Do you think Dick Cheney would have had the closed door meeting with energy industry reps if he had to wear their names on his clothing? Would Barach Obama do something different in Copenhagen Friday if he had to wear the logos of those lobbying (pressuring?) him on climate change?

I wonder how many folks in Washington would be wearing the logo for Xe (nee Blackwater) Services LLC. .
Would Joe Lieberman be able to stop single payer? Would Ben Nelson be able to keep pushing on abortion funding?

Hey, we can dream, can't we?